How to actually relax when trying to get pregnant
You've been told to relax. Maybe by your doctor. Maybe by well-meaning friends. Maybe even by yourself, late at night when you can't sleep.
Just relax. Stress isn't helping. You need to calm down.
And you want to. You really do. But your body won't listen. Your jaw stays clenched. Your belly stays tight. Your shoulders never quite drop. Even on days when nothing urgent is happening – even when you're trying to rest – something in you stays alert.
And then come the thoughts:
Why can't I relax?
Other people manage this – why don't I?
Am I making this harder on myself?
If this sounds familiar, there's nothing wrong with you.
Why you can't just relax when trying to get pregnant
The nervous system doesn't respond to instructions. You can't tell your body to relax any more than you can tell your heart to slow down by force. Relaxation happens when the body perceives safety – not when it's told that everything is fine. When you're trying to get pregnant, safety is often fragile.
Even if life looks stable from the outside, the body is dealing with:
uncertainty that repeats itself each cycle
hope that builds, then crashes
grief that often doesn't get space – quickly followed by the next attempt, the next window of hope
medical steps that interrupt daily life
decisions that feel impossible to get right
From a nervous system perspective, this creates vigilance. Not because you're anxious, but because something deeply meaningful is at stake, and the outcome feels out of your control.
How tension shows up in the body
Many women experience stress as both: racing thoughts that loop at night (will this ever happen, did I miss something, is my body failing me) and physical holding in the body.
Common places where tension settles:
The face
A clenched jaw, a slight frown you don't even notice until you catch your reflection in a window or a mirror. Your face holds tension as much as the rest of your body.
The jaw
Clenching, pressing the tongue into the roof of the mouth, grinding at night. Often unnoticed, but closely linked to stress regulation.
The belly
A subtle, constant bracing. For many women, this has become so automatic over the years – holding the belly in, keeping it flat – that it no longer feels like a choice. It's just how the body has learned to be.
The breath
Breathing high in the chest instead of deeper into the ribs and belly. The body stays ready, even when sitting still.
The shoulders
Lifted, pulled forward, carrying invisible weight. Often, you don't notice until someone says, "relax your shoulders" – and you realize they've been up near your ears.
The pelvic floor
Tension here is common during fertility journeys – especially when the body has been examined, monitored, or medicated over time.
None of this means you're doing something wrong. It means your body has learned to stay prepared.
Why your body stays tense during the fertility journey
The body learns through repetition. Appointments. Waiting rooms. Exact injection times. Tracking apps. The emotional swing between hope and grief. And grief often doesn't get the space it needs. It's quickly followed by the next cycle, the next plan, the next attempt – before you've had time to process what didn't happen. From the body's perspective, this can feel like an ongoing demand without resolution. Holding tension becomes a way of staying ready. This isn't resistance. It's protection.
Why modern life makes it harder
Your body is also responding to the world you live in – a world that doesn't allow for true rest. Your grandmother's daily life had built-in pauses. Folding laundry was just folding laundry. Walking somewhere meant just walking. Taking a bath meant soaking, not scrolling.
Now? You listen to a podcast while cooking. Scroll TikTok in the bath. Check your phone while waiting for the kettle. There's always input. Always information. Always something asking for your attention. And during a fertility journey, that intensifies: Research tabs open in the background. Cycle tracking apps pinging reminders. ChatGPT searches for answers. Medical portals with test results to check. A constant mental loop of what should I be doing differently?
Your nervous system never gets the signal that it's safe to stop scanning. Even when you're "relaxing" – watching Netflix, taking a bath with your phone – your brain is still processing, comparing, planning. This doesn't mean you need to throw your phone out the door. It's about recognizing that even small amounts of input keep your nervous system alert. And during a fertility journey, when so much already feels uncertain, that steady stream of information can push you into overwhelm. Once you see it, you can start to create small moments where your nervous system gets a break.
Learning where you hold tension
Before you can soften, you need to notice. Many women have carried tension for so long that it's become background noise. The clenched jaw feels normal. The tight belly is just "how it is." The shallow breath goes unnoticed. Here's a simple way to start becoming aware:
A 2-minute body check-in
You can do this anywhere – sitting at your desk, lying in bed, in the shower.
Start at your face – Are you frowning without realizing?
Move to your jaw – Is it clenched? Is your tongue pressing into the roof of your mouth?
Notice your shoulders – Are they lifted? Pulled forward?
Check your chest and breath – Is your breathing shallow, high in the chest? Or deeper into the ribs?
Drop down to your belly – Is it pulled in, braced? What happens if you let it soften just a little?
Finally, your pelvic floor – Is there holding there? Can you release it, even slightly?
You don't need to change anything. Just notice. Over time, this simple practice builds body awareness, the first step toward softening.
Want to try this with guidance?
Try our audio-guided Body Scan Meditation – a 10-minute practice that guides you through from head to toe, helping you notice areas of tension and soften them.
What you can actually do (without adding more to your list)
You don't need another overwhelming routine. You need small, repeatable moments that fit into what you're already doing. Here are three gentle ways to support your nervous system:
01. When you feel overwhelmed or powerless:
Wrap your arms around yourself – a literal self-hug. Hold for 10-20 seconds and breathe. The physical touch signals safety to your nervous system. You can add words if they help: "I'm here. I've got you."
02. When your chest feels tight:
Sigh out loud. A full exhale with sound releases held tension in your chest and throat.
03. Before opening your cycle tracking app:
Place your hand on your belly and notice: is it pulled in? Can it soften, even slightly, for one long breath?
These are just three examples. Small moments where your body gets to exhale.
Regulation is built quietly
Nervous system regulation isn't about becoming calm. It's about creating repeated signals that say: nothing needs to happen right now. Over time, these signals accumulate. This is why practices like gentle breathwork, guided meditation, or journaling can support fertility – not because they fix anything, but because they offer the body moments where it doesn't have to stay on guard. Even a few minutes can matter.
If this resonates
If you recognize yourself here, know this: You're not failing at relaxation. Your body isn't stubborn. It's responding to a journey that asks a lot – and it's doing exactly what it's designed to do when something deeply meaningful is at stake. Softening doesn't come from trying harder or doing it perfectly. It comes from small, consistent moments where your body learns: I'm safe. I can rest. One breath at a time. One small practice at a time.
